When you hear the name Bern Nadette Stains, there is not a sudden spark of recognition. Maybe slight notions that you think you recognize the name. But when you hear the voice and see the pictures, the AH HA moment hits you almost instantly as you shout “That’s Thelma from Good Times!” Yes! That’s the actress who played Thelma Evans on the popular seventies sitcom “Good Times.”
Bern Nadette spent 6 years of her young adult life playing the sensitive, quick-witted, non-cooking, only daughter of James and Florida Evans. She was hailed as the beauty of the ghetto and all the boys loved her. As Thelma, we watched her date and we also watched her fall in love over and over until she finally met the love of her life, Keith.
In her own life, Bern Nadette actually waited for Mr. Right and saved herself for marriage. However, she realized soon after that this was not the place she needed or wanted to be; so she got out. She is now in a healthy marriage and wants to help others find the strength, courage and wisdom, to find and stay in healthy relationships. In her quest to do this, she has written two books and spends a great deal of her time talking with others about how to make this a reality for other women.
Bern Nadette agreed to speak with Our Way as another vehicle for helping with the healing of African American relationships.
It is the end or beginning (depending on if you are Bern Nadette) of a long day for Bern Nadette, who is just leaving a photo shoot. Even after the long hours, she is pleasant and passionate about the subject of black relationships.
OW: Bern Nadette, thanks for letting us interview you. We are very appreciative and know that our readers will appreciate your incite into how to foster healthy relationships within the black community. Since “Good Times” you have been busy acting, producing, and writing and the common theme that keeps surfacing seems to be relationships. I even read a poem you wrote called “A Father’s Day Poem For The Father of My Child”. How did you become interested in what I like to call the psychology of relationships?
BNS: Well, it started way back for me. I grew up with the fairy tale of prince charming and perfect relationships. But when I finally did meet someone and got married, I found the fantasy was not true. He wasn’t nice or appreciative and it didn’t work. From then on, I was interested in why men do this or women do that. I had to figure it out on my own but I realized I had to learn it to get it right. So I wrote and I read books because I was learning through trial and error. I wish that as a young woman I had met someone who could sit with me and talk and be real about what to expect.
OW: What do you think is the biggest issue or problem facing black couples today?
BNS: I don’t want to blame anyone but I think men have more choices than women. They have more women to choose from because so many men are in jail, living the down low life style, etc. This leads to women dealing with men who have a lot of women and accepting this. Sometimes the women even know but feel like they cannot do anything about it and this puts strain on the relationship. Also oftentimes the man will treat the woman in an unkind manner. People really have to be kinder and more thoughtful.
OW: In “Situations 101” you talk about the good, bad and ugly side of relationships. What have you found to be keys to a good relationship?
BNS: Accepting a person for who they are. If you can’t do that, then maybe you need to step back and move on. A lot of times instead of accepting, people spend time trying to change another person. This causes conflict because it is not who the person is. Also, self esteem must be maintained by women so that they do not become insecure and stay in situations that are not good for them. If a man is constantly comparing you to others and saying you’re not this or that, he is not for you.
OW: I know you have 2 daughters. How can we as a community foster the foundation for good relationships in our children? What do you tell your daughters?
BNS: I tell them the truth and I never sugar coat it. I will be gentle especially if I see that they are not ready to hear some things, but I always tell the real deal. The only way we as black women are going to get it together is to talk more often. We need forums where we can get together and ask questions and dialogue. We need to invite the men in too and ask the questions and let them answer: How would they tell their sister or mother to handle a particular situation? In a forum like this, all women would hear the answers. We should do the same with questions of the women: How would you tell your brother to handle a situation. Years ag, we (black people) told stories but we don’t have this anymore. We need to get back to story telling in community forums. We need to start connecting back to each other instead of everyone being separate from the community. Most of the time, when someone is part of a community, this will prevent them from doing some things they might do otherwise.
OW: What is your view of couple’s therapy?
BNS: I think it is a good thing but before you go to couples therapy, I think you should go individually. First clean your own junk, then go together to work on the relationship.
OW: Most black people in general and men in particular will not get help. What do you think we can do to get them there?
BNS: First of all, we have to speak about it more often. Men, black men in particular, don’t want to have someone else telling them anything. So if the woman wants to go, I think she should go to work on herself. As time passes, and he sees the importance, he may decide to join her. Therapy is a good way to take care of you. It can help you realize “Yes. I’m in a mess” or “I’m the problem and I need to straighten myself out.”
OW: Are some of the things we talked about issues that inspired you to write your books?
BNS: Yes. I have many women friends and some younger ones call me for relationship advice. Sometimes I would give advice but they wouldn’t follow it but continued to complain about the relationship. There was one friend in particular that I would spend hours on the phone with talking about her problems with her man. Eventually I had to ask her to stop talking about him because that is all she talked about. But when we would have other conversations, they would gradually lead back to him. It was frustrating because she complained but wouldn’t do anything about it. I literally started writing the book from there. Trying to help her get it.
OW: What do you want people to come away with after reading your book?
BNS: Awareness. Self Esteem. How to hold yourself together if he doesn’t love you. Many women get stuck on 1 man and have to have him but YOU DON”T HAVE TO COMPROMISE YOUR SOUL FOR ANYONE. You must keep the faith and know that God will send someone else for you.
OW: Are there any compelling quotes or sections that you want to draw readers’ attention to:
BNS: Yes. There are so many but “My Four Men”, which is about a woman who has different men for different purposes but cannot give her all to the one she really wants because she is giving pieces of herself to the others. “The Really Good Guy I Got” is about a woman who is not satisfied with her good guy and must have a thug on the side. “He Is Everything I Never Wanted” tells the story of a woman who meets a man that she is not attracted to but gives him a chance a falls in love after getting to know him:” and “My Lovers’ Daughter Is My Age” is about dating an older man and finding that they get better as they get older. It also talks about how the woman became very jealous of the man. These are all true stories.
OW: How can folks get your book?
BNS They can get the book on my website: www.thelmaofgoodtimes.com. I like to open things up for discussion so people can email me. I also want to encourage everyone to begin these discussions (about relationships). These can happen in churches or other places. Invite the teens in too because they also need to have their questions answered. I think that everyone will benefit from having these discussions.
OW: Bern Nadette, thank you so much for speaking with me it was a pleasure.
BNS: You are welcome, I enjoyed our conversation.When the interview ends, I am renewed in my enthusiasm for couples work and want to immediately hold a symposium. But it is after 10pm and too late to organize. Although she is not a therapist, Bern Nadette is as knowledgeable about relationship dynamics as any therapist that I have encountered. Her incites which have developed over the years from personal experience as well as research, compliments the passion she has for helping the black community heal through relationship building. She is very clear about the importance of blacks creating and sustaining healthy relationships and as you can see, she is doing more than her part to help make it happen.
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